Breaking the Chains on Black Female Sexuality

How many lovers are too many for a woman over the course of her lifetime?

How many sexual partners label her promiscuous and a woman of ill-repute?

Who defines a harlot, a slut, a ho, a thot?

And why do most women spend years of their life avoiding these labels?

For centuries, around the world, women have been expected to abstain from sexual intercourse prior to marriage and to adhere to strict rules of chastity. Women have followed these rules either for their physical safety; to uphold their family’s social standing; or because of their religious convictions. 

Although most women have had limited sexual freedom, no group of women have had their sexuality thwarted more than Black women. Over the centuries, there has been minimal progress in the true liberation of black female sexuality. First, she was the “slave”, who was sexually abused, since she was unable to give consent.  She was property, used, but never spoken of.   She was also the desirous mulatto, who consented to sex for financial gain as a kept woman.  In the shadow of slavery and Jim Crow, one may posit that the “good black girl” trope was created to set a standard for black womanhood, in a society that had not accounted for and was not concerned with the sexuality of black women.  However, one can contend that in seeking to reclaim black women’s chastity and social propriety, black women have become imprisoned in a cage of their own making.

Over a decade ago, Steve Harvey released his relationship self-help book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment”.  For many, this book was a manualized guide to domestic bliss. The book was quoted by celebrities and lay people, and was even adapted to the screen.  The major theme of the book could be distilled to the ‘90 Day Rule’, which purported absolute abstinence during courtship for ninety days.   Almost instantaneously, the personal lives of educated, dynamic Black women were reduced to contestants in a dating game.  In essence, how long could they resist sexual pleasure to reap the “ultimate reward”: of a man committing to a monogamous relationship.  

The book, written by a self made man, seemed to further cement the childhood lessons imparted by Black mothers, aunts and grandmothers:

• “Keep your legs closed!” 

• “If you must...touch it but never put your mouth on it!”. 

• ”Sex isn’t going to get you very far.”

• “Why would he buy the cow if you’re giving away the milk for free?”

• ”Just keep your number low.”

Unfortunately, there are some people who have abstained from sex and adhered to the rules, only to find themselves without the promised payoff: a husband. In some cases, these women may experience emotional anguish, as they attempt to navigate this flawed framework.  Allowing for religious beliefs, if the woman is saddled with the power to decide how far the relationship will go sexually, then why would the decision of the final commitment to the relationship rest solely with the man?  And if sleeping with a woman “prematurely” makes a man devalue her, isn’t that more a statement about his character and general regard for women, opposed to her worth as a person? 

From a professional perspective,  the psychological impact of socializing black women to believe that virginity is a prize and chastity insures future marital bliss, can be detrimental to their mental health.   It is almost cruel that black women are required to abstain from sex, in the hopes of attracting a husband,  who according to plan, will be the only man she would sleep with for the rest of her life.  It becomes a vicious cycle, with Black women abstaining until the best candidate comes along: typically a high earner with a good pedigree.  It is apparent, that in these transactional romantic liaisons, once the barter has taken place, the sexually inexperienced woman has now committed to a lifetime of possibly mediocre sex, without ever exploring more pleasurable experiences.

The time is well overdue for Black women to reclaim their sexual agency.  They must dictate how, when and with whom they share their bodies.  Their primary goal in having sex should not be securing a husband, but fashioning an erotic life that fulfills whatever their desires may be.  From a legacy fraught with trauma and powerlessness, here are some suggestions for how to create a new standard for the next generation. 

1)Educate the youth

Parents of boys must teach them to see girls as their equals. It is important to educate young boys and men about their female counterparts; and have them learn that a woman’s worth is not tied to her sexual experiences.  This is in no way encouraging excessive promiscuity that could also be detrimental to a young woman’s mental health. However, young Black women should be told that sex isn’t bad or dirty or wrong.  It is imperative that she understands that at the right time, when she feels in control of herself, with the use of protection, it is okay to explore her sexuality, with a trusted partner.

2) Begin self exploration

Black women’s sexuality can no longer be micromanaged by others, albeit family, friends or pop culture. Each individual has to define a happy and healthy sex life that fits her individual desires without the added burden of securing a husband.  To this end, women should ask honest questions of themselves and their partner(s):

• Am I happy with my current sexual interactions? Is it too much? Or too little? 

• Is my partner hearing my needs? 

• And is my partner capable of fulfilling my sexual needs?

3) Address sexual dysfunction/libido issues 

After centuries of creating the moralistic black woman, dispelling this label once she’s found “the one”, can prove difficult.  After years of chastity, she is suddenly expected to blossom into a porn star with no hang ups or prohibitions to her sexual creativity.  Unfortunately for some, there is no proverbial flip of the switch.  Some “good Black girls”, who are now wives, may need therapy or coaching to learn to enjoy what was once forbidden.