Undoing Stereotypes and Celebrating Our Unique Identities

When I met my husband, we bonded over our shared passion for music.  Tino and I jammed to Afrobeats, old EDM hits and hip hop, but beyond those specific genres, our taste in music diverged.  Whenever I played ‘90s alternative rock, my European husband would declare, ‘Not that sad American high school music!’ and swiftly switch to 90s R&B.  The recognition of  our personal preferences in music further demonstrated what I instinctively knew, that hobbies and interests should not be defined as “white” or ‘Black”.  However, for several centuries, certain activities and modes of behavior have been ascribed to either a Black or white category; with “acting white” always being in opposition to “being Black”. 

As a rite of passage, adolescents often try out different identities until they eventually settle into a mature version of themselves.  Unfortunately for Black teenagers throughout the United States, there is the added pressure of self-discovery within predetermined racial categories of behavior.  Growing up in Brooklyn, in the early 2000s, I stuck out like a sore thumb among my peers. I had a huge Afro, and I wore clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch (since their jeans fit my 5’10” svelte body).  Years of attending summer camps with kids from Long Island and Pennsylvania, fostered my appreciation for the music of Queen and The Beatles.  Then when I returned to my peers in Brooklyn, some of my associates would quip that I “acted like a white girl’ and that wasn’t a compliment.  Despite my experiences with colorism as a dark skinned Black girl and being terribly gawky, I never aspired to be a white girl.  I loved my Blackness, and I was just being the truest version of my quirky 15 year-old self.  

Years later, I would still encounter the narrative of what society deemed to be ‘Black’ experiences and what were ‘white’.  As a 21-year-old I flew to New York from Atlanta for a medical school interview.   Since it wasn’t my first interview, I felt pretty prepared for the standard questions. The interviewer, a white male, questioned me about my education and academic pursuits, which I answered with ease.  However, early into the interview, there was a discernible shift.  He wanted to know how it was growing up with a single mother in Brooklyn.  I was taken aback, as my mind started to swirl.  I didn’t know how to answer his question.  As shocking as it may appear, never in my 21 years of life had it occurred to me that I was a product of a ‘single parent home’.  To me, that label connoted deprivation and disadvantages that I never experienced.  I struggled to superimpose this stereotype of a Black childhood on my own life.  I knew that I hadn’t grown up with two parents, but they had been married when I was born.  I had access to healthcare; I ate organic food; had traveled abroad; wore nice clothing and lived in a safe neighborhood in an apartment my mother owned.  

So, my response to that interviewer was, “it was fine”.  However, that answer didn’t sate his appetite.  He was persistent in his desire to know of the difficulties I had experienced in that environment. Finally it dawned on me that this man had composed a narrative of my life prior to meeting me.  Based on my race, he was angling for a story of woe and poverty porn.  He needed a way to make sense of me and how I had arrived before him as a medical school candidate.  For him, I was not an applicant with good grades and adequate test scores; as a woman of African ancestry, my lived experiences had to be peculiarly “Black”. Reflecting on these incidents and others I have experienced over the years, I believe the much maligned critical race theory (CRT) can be used to disrupt some of the negative tendencies that align Blackness with negativity and whiteness with all things positive.

For starters:

1)Understand that race is a social construct

Contrary to the accepted belief of many, possessing fair skin does not make an individual innately more intelligent or more cultured.  Racial roles are limiting, and can prevent people from being their authentic individual selves. As outlined in a Boston Globe article, when persons of color participate in wellness activities, like yoga it isn’t ‘acting white”;  neither is growing one’s own food; going to a cafe; listening to rock music; or enjoying camping and hiking. 

2) Remove “whiteness” or white people from a pedestal

Due to structural racism, the actions of one Black person is typically assigned to the entire race (like the Will Smith/Chris Rock incident). However, if a white person commits a crime or does something stupid, he/she is regarded as an individual and not representative of the group.  

The impermeable nature of whiteness, allows white individuals to be just that, individuals prone to error, faux pas and mess ups.  On the other hand, some people of color walk around on eggshells, hoping not to appear “too Black”, finding comfort in being the “token Black”, and demonstrating that they are not like “other Black people”.  The need to constantly self-check and self-censure, stems from holding whiteness and white people to a higher standard.  People of color must come to see that all people are flawed, and no one group has cornered the market on negative or positive behaviors regardless of its race or ethnicity.   Black people should not live their lives worrying about the white gaze or being defined by it. 

This past weekend, we attended the wedding of two friends, also an interracial and intercultural pair.  Over the course of two days, the couple proudly represented their respective culture with all of its nuances, while equally embracing their partner’s cultural traditions. There was a traditional Yoruba engagement ceremony and the next day an ethnically Spanish ceremony with a reception that catered to both continents.  In both settings the husband and wife were given space to be their authentic selves: a Spanish woman whining to Afrobeats and a Nigerian American man fist pumping to EDM.  And for that moment in time, lines blurred.  That entire weekend, friends and families mingled seamlessly.  Their intention was clear: to cheer on two individuals embarking on a life together, without preconceived notions of love and racial identity.

Breaking the Chains on Black Female Sexuality

How many lovers are too many for a woman over the course of her lifetime?

How many sexual partners label her promiscuous and a woman of ill-repute?

Who defines a harlot, a slut, a ho, a thot?

And why do most women spend years of their life avoiding these labels?

For centuries, around the world, women have been expected to abstain from sexual intercourse prior to marriage and to adhere to strict rules of chastity. Women have followed these rules either for their physical safety; to uphold their family’s social standing; or because of their religious convictions. 

Although most women have had limited sexual freedom, no group of women have had their sexuality thwarted more than Black women. Over the centuries, there has been minimal progress in the true liberation of black female sexuality. First, she was the “slave”, who was sexually abused, since she was unable to give consent.  She was property, used, but never spoken of.   She was also the desirous mulatto, who consented to sex for financial gain as a kept woman.  In the shadow of slavery and Jim Crow, one may posit that the “good black girl” trope was created to set a standard for black womanhood, in a society that had not accounted for and was not concerned with the sexuality of black women.  However, one can contend that in seeking to reclaim black women’s chastity and social propriety, black women have become imprisoned in a cage of their own making.

Over a decade ago, Steve Harvey released his relationship self-help book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment”.  For many, this book was a manualized guide to domestic bliss. The book was quoted by celebrities and lay people, and was even adapted to the screen.  The major theme of the book could be distilled to the ‘90 Day Rule’, which purported absolute abstinence during courtship for ninety days.   Almost instantaneously, the personal lives of educated, dynamic Black women were reduced to contestants in a dating game.  In essence, how long could they resist sexual pleasure to reap the “ultimate reward”: of a man committing to a monogamous relationship.  

The book, written by a self made man, seemed to further cement the childhood lessons imparted by Black mothers, aunts and grandmothers:

• “Keep your legs closed!” 

• “If you must...touch it but never put your mouth on it!”. 

• ”Sex isn’t going to get you very far.”

• “Why would he buy the cow if you’re giving away the milk for free?”

• ”Just keep your number low.”

Unfortunately, there are some people who have abstained from sex and adhered to the rules, only to find themselves without the promised payoff: a husband. In some cases, these women may experience emotional anguish, as they attempt to navigate this flawed framework.  Allowing for religious beliefs, if the woman is saddled with the power to decide how far the relationship will go sexually, then why would the decision of the final commitment to the relationship rest solely with the man?  And if sleeping with a woman “prematurely” makes a man devalue her, isn’t that more a statement about his character and general regard for women, opposed to her worth as a person? 

From a professional perspective,  the psychological impact of socializing black women to believe that virginity is a prize and chastity insures future marital bliss, can be detrimental to their mental health.   It is almost cruel that black women are required to abstain from sex, in the hopes of attracting a husband,  who according to plan, will be the only man she would sleep with for the rest of her life.  It becomes a vicious cycle, with Black women abstaining until the best candidate comes along: typically a high earner with a good pedigree.  It is apparent, that in these transactional romantic liaisons, once the barter has taken place, the sexually inexperienced woman has now committed to a lifetime of possibly mediocre sex, without ever exploring more pleasurable experiences.

The time is well overdue for Black women to reclaim their sexual agency.  They must dictate how, when and with whom they share their bodies.  Their primary goal in having sex should not be securing a husband, but fashioning an erotic life that fulfills whatever their desires may be.  From a legacy fraught with trauma and powerlessness, here are some suggestions for how to create a new standard for the next generation. 

1)Educate the youth

Parents of boys must teach them to see girls as their equals. It is important to educate young boys and men about their female counterparts; and have them learn that a woman’s worth is not tied to her sexual experiences.  This is in no way encouraging excessive promiscuity that could also be detrimental to a young woman’s mental health. However, young Black women should be told that sex isn’t bad or dirty or wrong.  It is imperative that she understands that at the right time, when she feels in control of herself, with the use of protection, it is okay to explore her sexuality, with a trusted partner.

2) Begin self exploration

Black women’s sexuality can no longer be micromanaged by others, albeit family, friends or pop culture. Each individual has to define a happy and healthy sex life that fits her individual desires without the added burden of securing a husband.  To this end, women should ask honest questions of themselves and their partner(s):

• Am I happy with my current sexual interactions? Is it too much? Or too little? 

• Is my partner hearing my needs? 

• And is my partner capable of fulfilling my sexual needs?

3) Address sexual dysfunction/libido issues 

After centuries of creating the moralistic black woman, dispelling this label once she’s found “the one”, can prove difficult.  After years of chastity, she is suddenly expected to blossom into a porn star with no hang ups or prohibitions to her sexual creativity.  Unfortunately for some, there is no proverbial flip of the switch.  Some “good Black girls”, who are now wives, may need therapy or coaching to learn to enjoy what was once forbidden.

Lessons in Self Care: Navigating Toxic Relationships

In mid-January, before the COVID-19 pandemic brought international travel to a screeching halt, I journeyed to Mexico City with one of my best friends, Lamarr.  Between touring the city, overcoming altitude sickness and feasting on the local cuisine, my friend and I engaged in several heart to heart conversations.  

Over mole and margaritas, I asked him about a statement he had made in his man of honor speech, at my recent wedding.  He had spoken of our mutual respect for one another over 20+ years of friendship.  But during his address, he had stated, ‘her kindness should not be mistaken for weakness;” referencing my proclivity for “cutting people off”.   As Lamarr sipped his cocktail in the open air plaza, he said frankly, “I don’t think it’s good that you’re known for cutting people off.”  Initially, I was hurt by his words, but I explained that I didn’t get any enjoyment from distancing myself from others and I would never just arbitrarily discard people! 

Looking back at my first friendship with Dexter, the 2 year old neighborhood boy, to my intimate and personal relationships at 33 years old, I’ve learned a great deal about various types of partnerships, having made several mistakes along the way. 

Here are some tips on how to navigate interpersonal relationships and how to remove oneself from toxic dynamics, in all spheres of life:

1. At work

We’ve all wrangled with an overbearing boss, who may exert his/her power in a variety of ways, fueled by displaced aggression. As an employee, the key point is to differentiate between constructive criticism intended to improve one’s work, versus outright workplace abuse, which may be detrimental to one’s mental health. If the structure of the company allows it, request a one on one meeting with your superior to address the perceived problems. At times, just having the grit to request an open dialogue about less than ideal workplace actions, may be enough to temper the aggressor’s behaviors. 

 2. With family members

From movies to literary works to Instagram posts, we are constantly being reminded of the importance of family.  Familial relationships can be a great source of joy and understanding for some; however, they can cause great pain and anguish for others. Due to the societal expectations of maintaining strong family ties, some individuals find it difficult to distance themselves from toxic parents, siblings or relatives.  It is a challenge to excavate one’s deepest feelings to discover that one’s blood relative isn’t a particularly nice person and doesn’t always have one’s best interest at heart.  For many, it is not an option to completely cut ties with the toxic relative, as that may result in losing contact with other family members, as well.  To this end, it might be wise to seek intensive therapy with the hopes of sorting out those issues and developing strategies for self development and preservation.

 3. In romantic relationships

Eros.  Romantic relationships by definition are mercurial. In most cultures, individuals are not taught how to develop and maintain genuine love relationships. For many young couples, love is a guessing game, colored by discordant images in the media, mixed with the subconscious lessons learned from the unions around them.  In some instances, the displays of romantic love may be dysfunctional, with the normalization of infidelity to the acceptance of physical and emotional abuse. Many of these lessons are internalized, often on an unconscious level, which make them harder to break, and can impact one’s own romantic relationships.

After careful assessment and weighing the risks versus benefits, it may be better to separate (or end the relationship) than to stay in a union that doesn’t honor your  personhood. If a relationship does not empower you and make you a better version of yourself,  or at the bare minimum, bring you great physical pleasure, then what is its purpose?  

 4. In friendships 

bell hooks’ quote, “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds,” attests to the value that must be placed on all relationships. For many women, their attention and care is primarily directed towards their beloved, leaving friendships and other relationships by the wayside. 

The platonic friendship between two women can bring great joy and emotional fulfillment. Conversely, relationships between women can quickly devolve into a miasma of mind games, competitiveness, and mean spirited remarks; with one of the friends projecting her personal problems onto the other friend. In other cases, one friend may no longer enjoy the other’s company, but is uncertain of how to process that realization.  In toxic friendships, there may be harsh words, rude tones, ‘gaslighting’, or other methods of ‘friendship terrorism’.  Unfortunately, many women avoid confrontation, which may result in months or even years of jeers, sneers and whispers behind each other’s back.  However, if the relationship is worth preserving, having a straightforward conversation that addresses the perceived problems, may be the solution. Only through honest discourse can healing occur. If not, maybe one should consider parting ways.

5. Within yourself

You can lie to others. But please don’t lie to yourself. 

The most important relationship is the one that we have with ourselves.  As stated previously on this blog, life is a winding path. Some are able to stay on course, while others are barely hanging on. Wherever we are on our life’s path, it’s important to frequently scrutinize our feelings, and our subsequent actions:

“Who am I and what do I really want to accomplish in life?

“Does this man/woman respect me as a person?”

“Is this workplace environment conducive to my creativity and humanity? 

“Do I feel better now that I’ve parted ways with that group of friends? 

By engaging in internal excavation, we open up ourselves to more honest and healthy relationships with others. This also allows us to realize when it’s time to walk away from toxic and seemingly unhealthy partnerships. 

Five Tips: How to Maintain Your Relationship, During Quarantine

As all external distractions have come to a screeching halt, the next few weeks will be a trying time for many couples. It’s Day 14 and the stark contrast between my husband’s energetic character to my more staid disposition, is rearing its head. I love social gatherings but I also gain a great deal of energy from being alone. Adversely, he thrives on human interaction, and his ideal schedule is a calendar filled with back to back appointments.

As we both work remotely, at baseline, my husband and I spend a great deal of time together.  But now, due to the state mandated quarantine, the Business Center in our high-rise, where he usually works, is closed. Even worse, he can no longer pop over to his favorite cafe and meet up with other German ex-pats. In turn, my partner who hates being confined, is bouncing off the walls; whereas I’m doing just fine. 

Whether you’re like me or like my mate, here are some tips to maintain your sanity, and more importantly your relationship, while you're quarantined:

1)Schedule time apart:

It’s important to take time for yourself, even in the same house. We have a home office; so I’ve been spending more time reading and writing, as he explores his various interests at the dining room table. After about 2 hours apart, we each have a better outlook on our situation and hunker down on the couch to stream our favorite shows.

2)Prepare meals together:

The prep and completion of the most simple dish, can create an opportunity to bond and to experience shared intimacy.

3)Use the time to genuinely catch up:

For the newly dating couple, use this time to get truly comfortable with each other. Maybe let your partner see you without extensions/faux eyelashes or let him/her know how much you really like video games. And for those in long haul unions, why not order some poster board from Amazon and sketch out that 5 year plan you’ve put off completing?

4)Have a date night:

Take a hot shower; shave; put on some lipstick and slip into your favorite outfit; then meet in the kitchen for light bites and adult beverages. After a week of sweat pants and bathrobes, it’s good to break up the monotony and stimulate the sensual. 

5) Have empathy:

Based on varying life experiences, everyone will respond very differently during this time. For those who have never experienced living with the bare essentials (emphasis on limited food options and compromised safety), this period may be very difficult. Adversely, for others, the newfound stillness that blankets most metropolitan cities, may be welcomed solace for the soul. Despite these contrasting perspectives, remember to approach your partner with kindness and understanding. Focus on the good things in your significant other and let go of petty contrivances.

During these difficult times, I'm grateful to have my husband, to laugh with and share the latest conspiracy theories.

I hope these tips were helpful!

~Dr. Cisse