The Rearview Mirror: Driving While Black

For as long as I can remember driving to Sag Harbor to my friend’s Kathryn’s house has been a reprieve. In this space, although my Blackness was ever present, it seemed that the white people there could tell that “we belonged”. 

During the summer holidays, Memorial Day and July 4th, the open air, the manicured hedges, and the crisp air all recharged my soul, giving me the energy to return to the daily hustle in Brooklyn.  Maybe this was because Sag Harbor has historically been a black enclave where people of color could roam freely without white people glaring.   Or maybe because it was an escape from the tight quarters of East New York. But that all changed on June 12, 2020.    

Our trip had started off as any other trip to Sag Harbor. I made the left turn off of Bridgehampton Sag Harbor Turnpike onto Scuttle Hole Road and then in my rear view mirror, I saw him. 

At first, I thought nothing of it: just a police officer driving through the back roads with me. However, I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach, that sets in whenever a police officer drives behind, in front or next to me.  My hands clenched up and my legs got tense; my heart started to beat faster and faster.  Nevertheless, I tried my best to ignore these feelings and to give the situation the benefit of the doubt. 

But after a few minutes, the situation felt different. After every left turn, every second right off a roundabout, every right turn, I saw the same police car following my every move. I saw his bald white head through my rear view mirror and I wondered, ‘how much longer was he going to follow me?’

I started to think:  what had I done wrong? 

• Was I speeding before this? 

• Did I run a red light? 

• What had I done? 

Did he not see my Alpha Phi Alpha plates? Surely he could realize that I was in a fraternity and I had gone to college. 

• I was safe...you don’t need to follow me, Sir. 

• I belong here! 

• I earned this right! 

I  had worked hard and had done what I was supposed to do to allow me to be in this space. Now, I felt stripped of the armor that had allowed me to navigate these white spaces in the past. I thought, ‘How could this be happening to me? I had done everything right...They said to get a good education, get a good job, obey the law and you’re good.’ 

Or was it my 2007 Honda Accord, where the ‘H” had fallen off? I started to beat myself up.  Lamarr, why did you still have this car?  Maybe if you had a fancier car he wouldn't be following you. Maybe with a fancier car, I’d be able to show that I belonged. “Hey officer, Black man in Sag Harbor in a BMW, I’m good, no need to follow.” 

Another 10 minutes elapsed and he continued to follow me. I was terrified and began to tightly grasp the wheel.  At every stop sign, I came to a complete stop and tried not to make a wrong move because I didn't want to give him a reason to pull me over. It even felt like bystanders were following this scenario in their heads, thinking it might not end well. 

Then, I started to play out scenarios in my head of what could happen. Each scenario made me feel like I was screwed, anyway.  Should I pull over or make the next right turn so he would go past me? But then, if he saw that I was lost, would he further question where I was going? Who did I know out here? What business did my boyfriend Michael and our corgi have out there in Sag? Sure he might just question me and give me a ticket; but after seeing countless black men killed by police for just existing, it could end with me being arrested, injured or dead.

We arrived in the town of Sag Harbor and I made the right on Jermaine Ave. I drove by what looked like a bicycle accident and I slowed down. An officer acknowledged me and motioned for me to go around the cars.  I stuck my hand outside the car to wave to the officer, thanking him as he ushered me past the scene. 

It felt good to stick my arm out the window in full view of the officer behind me, to see me being acknowledged by his white colleague. Then I thought, ‘Lamarr you idiot he was following you to get to this crash scene...all this nonsense you were thinking was just in your head!’ 

But no. He drove around the scene and continued to follow me. 

My heart sank. 

Fear set in as I knew that I’d eventually have to stop and get out of the car. I told my boyfriend to call Kathryn and tell her to meet us outside her house. The officer would see I was meeting someone and drive off. But Kathryn didn’t pick up her phone.

I told Michael to call again, because this was serious.  Sadly the weight of what was happening and why I was frantically asking him to get a hold of Kathryn went over his head, as a non black POC. 

Again, I started replaying scenarios in my head of what could happen:

1. I stop and he drives right past us. 

2. I stop and he gets out of the car and questions what business I have here? Then, I play the good Negro...Yes, Sir; No, Sir...Anything you request Sir, in my work voice. 

3. I stop and he gets out of the car and questions what business I have there? I rebuff his questioning and ask what reason does he have to stop me? I would say, ‘Do you know where I work, Sir? Do you know who you’re talking to?’ 

At the next stop sign, I go left and he goes straight. 

Exiting the USA: Escapism or Self Preservation?

The Spring of 2020 has been a time rife with despair and palpable fear. With the racial inequities of the healthcare system further exposed by COVID-19, to the watching of videotaped lynchings of Black bodies, some African Americans are wondering if they can truly live their “best life” in the United States of America?  With a cursory internet search, one can find several platforms encouraging Black Americans to move abroad.  There are listings of racism-free cities with universal healthcare and enforced gun laws; any place painted with the right brush, can seem like a paradise.  

For decades, artists like Josephine Baker and Nina Simone sought  reprieve from American racism by living overseas.  And like Richard Wright, before him, James Baldwin moved to Paris to escape the racism of the 1950s. Yet even for these artists, the expanse of oceans didn’t protect them from racial violence or anti-black racism. In their memoirs and works, many speak of the nuances of being a Black American expatriate, opposed to an African from a former colony, within the societal and economic class hierarchies.  A quick scroll through one’s Instagram feed, will show that many people are turning to Baldwin’s writings to articulate their sense of feeling trapped, and unwanted in one’s country.  

As a black woman, who is deeply affected by the current turbulent climate, I feel compelled to spend the remaining years of my youth, elsewhere.  Although my first foray into living overseas was not a “success”, I did come away with a great deal of insight and knowledge that makes me feel almost ready to make the move again.  So, to those of you who are contemplating moving abroad, here are some tips to consider before you sell your furniture and break your rental lease:

1. Visit the place 

This might seem pretty straight forward. However, with colorful Instagram feeds and high quality photography, it’s easy to be digitally transported to locales that you’ve never set foot in.   Most people travel during the summer, but before moving abroad, to get a true feel for the climate, return to the same place, at different times of the year.  I visited Portugal in the summertime and had a wonderful time.  However, I doubt that I’d be able to amble up and down the rolling hills and cobblestone streets of Lisbon, during the rainy winter months.  

In addition, it would be a good idea to stay  in a short term rental and do mundane chores like grocery shopping and going to the pharmacy.   From performing these basic activities, you would be able to determine if the location is ideal for you, without the rose colored lens of being a tourist.  

2. Figuring out employment

When I moved to Germany in 2017, one of my biggest obstacles was employment. As a psychiatrist with United States credentials, I was unable to ‘practice my trade’ in the European Union.  Therefore, it was key that I obtained employment from a US based company before venturing overseas. Once I decided to move, I sought out telemedicine companies that would allow me to practice medicine, from abroad. Throughout the process, although I crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s; due to a variety of factors, the promises made by the company did not materialize.

On October 2, 2017, at 2 a.m., I wrote in my journal:

“Happiness isn't for black girls. I've been in bed for the past 90 minutes, tossing and turning about my future... And although all of these obstacles were unforeseeable...I still blame myself for thinking that I could live in a romantic comedy. “Yah I'll just go live in Europe and just figure it out...’”

In retrospect, my thoughts were a bit melodramatic; but, living in a foreign country with a lack of income, can be a scary experience.   It is important to know that regardless of your training or profession,  you should have backup streams of income outside of your particular field or expertise.  

3. Recognizing cultural differences within the country

My husband is a very good sales person, and three years ago, I was unaware of his ability to sell water to a well.  Shortly upon my arrival in Hamburg, I soon realized that the cold and sterile social culture of the city, didn’t match my personality.  Having spent four years in loud, bright and over the top Miami; Hamburg’s bleak skies,  silent city centers and hushed tones of people in public spaces, was a slow death for me.  I longed to hear loud, hearty laughter at brunch and to see overt expressions of joy in the streets. From a racial perspective, the city was ethnically diverse; but there was a dearth of professional blacks.  For many, I was the first black doctor they had ever encountered, which seemed to garner veiled prejudicial comments.  

In contrast, on our weekend trips to Berlin, I felt alive. The city vibrated with energy that reminded me of NYC.   A two hour train ride away revealed the stark cultural differences of these two cities, and highlighted the importance of finding a place that fits one’s  individual needs within the same country.

Even on the African continent, as a person of color, there can be cultural clashes.  On an outing one day, I wore a loose fitting black dress that stopped just above my knee.  Within a few moments of walking through the crowded streets of Dakar, men began to stare and chastise me, for my outfit.  I grew increasingly terrified, as a mob of sorts started to gather, and I ran back to the safety of my father’s car.  Two months before my trip, two friends from the USA had journeyed to the same city center outfitted in shorts and mini-skirts, without any issue. However, because I phenotypically appear Senegalese, I was subjected to the rules of Islamic modesty that apply to local women.

4. Distance from loved ones

Since I was about 8 years old, I have spent alternating summers in Barbados or Senegal, often traveling alone.  At 17, I left Brooklyn and started college in Atlanta. So at 30, when it was time to move to Germany, I didn’t give it much thought. Only at the airport, as I hugged my mother goodbye, did the gravity of the move set in.   The real feelings of homesickness and being away from friends and family are not always immediately revealed.   However, the value of these relationships in one’s daily functioning become apparent when one is separated by time zones. 

Also, many of us can save up for  a one way ticket to whatever foreign locale we desire, , but what about when there’s the need to return home?   In the case of an emergency or just a short visit; the cost of a ticket; and the time needed to reach one’s destination must be taken into account when thinking of living abroad. 

It is key to remember, that as a person of color and especially a woman, there will discrimination and prejudice, wherever you go.  The questions are: can you tolerate the brand of racism you may encounter and is the quality of your life improved, by being in this new country? Also, remember that wherever you go, you “take you with you”.  A change in environment can definitely bring out the best or worst traits in an individual; but your insecurities and quirks will always reveal themselves, regardless of the time zone. So once you’ve assessed the driving motivation behind your desire to move/relocate; you’ve identified your goals; and set up some contingency plans, you are sure to  flourish wherever your feet may land.