Long Distance Love in the Time of Coronavirus

About five years ago, a friend texted me out of the blue, instructing me to , “Text this guy!” Always a skeptic I responded, “Just like that?” 

She didn’t give any more information, except for attaching a strange selfie of the man in question.

Slightly confused but intrigued, I opened WhatsApp and wrote: “Hi I’m Ami”, to which he promptly replied, “Hi I’m Tino!”  

And just like that I ‘met’ the man who would be my future husband.

Sounds simple, but it wasn’t.

I was finishing up my residency training in Miami, Florida and he was in Hamburg, Germany.  Nevertheless, we began our long distance courtship. For several months, we communicated via WhatsApp. We messaged each other and Skyped;  counting down the days until our first in person meeting. Despite months filled with the angst of the unknown, looking back, I’m grateful for our initial geographic separation, as it helped to cement the structure of our relationship. 

So for all of the newly dating couples who are quarantining separately, here are some of the upsides to being separated from your partner:

1.Develop strong communication skills

Intense conversations are the mainstay of long distance relationships. Through lengthy chats, individuals get to compare/contrast their value systems.  This allows them to learn what each person holds dear. Since honest communication is the foundation of a functioning relationship, it's key to learn each other’s manner of conveying thoughts and feelings. 

2.Increases patience

When one is long distance, certain relationship milestones like saying ‘I love you’ and meeting parents, may take a bit longer to reach.  Having to take things a bit slower, allows one the time and space to ask, “Is this what I really want?” Also, with less pressure to share physical intimacy, each individual is more likely to reveal their true self.

3.Distance can be an incubator for growth

Without the influence of friends’ opinions, parental judgment, and everything that comes with living in our modern world, a new couple who are separated by distance, can create their own microcosm. To me, an ideal relationship embodies two separate and unique spirits, making the choice to walk the same path in life, while maintaining their individuality. During separation, the primary elements of who they are, regardless of different backgrounds, family structures or socioeconomic groups, can grow uninhibited. Due to geographic distance, there’s a decrease in some of the external pressures, that can normally complicate a fledgling relationship.

So for all the lovers who are separated due to quarantine, use this time to explore the other’s core values, their world view and future goals. And when you’re finally reunited (who knows when) the time together will be so much sweeter. 

Five Tips: How to Maintain Your Relationship, During Quarantine

As all external distractions have come to a screeching halt, the next few weeks will be a trying time for many couples. It’s Day 14 and the stark contrast between my husband’s energetic character to my more staid disposition, is rearing its head. I love social gatherings but I also gain a great deal of energy from being alone. Adversely, he thrives on human interaction, and his ideal schedule is a calendar filled with back to back appointments.

As we both work remotely, at baseline, my husband and I spend a great deal of time together.  But now, due to the state mandated quarantine, the Business Center in our high-rise, where he usually works, is closed. Even worse, he can no longer pop over to his favorite cafe and meet up with other German ex-pats. In turn, my partner who hates being confined, is bouncing off the walls; whereas I’m doing just fine. 

Whether you’re like me or like my mate, here are some tips to maintain your sanity, and more importantly your relationship, while you're quarantined:

1)Schedule time apart:

It’s important to take time for yourself, even in the same house. We have a home office; so I’ve been spending more time reading and writing, as he explores his various interests at the dining room table. After about 2 hours apart, we each have a better outlook on our situation and hunker down on the couch to stream our favorite shows.

2)Prepare meals together:

The prep and completion of the most simple dish, can create an opportunity to bond and to experience shared intimacy.

3)Use the time to genuinely catch up:

For the newly dating couple, use this time to get truly comfortable with each other. Maybe let your partner see you without extensions/faux eyelashes or let him/her know how much you really like video games. And for those in long haul unions, why not order some poster board from Amazon and sketch out that 5 year plan you’ve put off completing?

4)Have a date night:

Take a hot shower; shave; put on some lipstick and slip into your favorite outfit; then meet in the kitchen for light bites and adult beverages. After a week of sweat pants and bathrobes, it’s good to break up the monotony and stimulate the sensual. 

5) Have empathy:

Based on varying life experiences, everyone will respond very differently during this time. For those who have never experienced living with the bare essentials (emphasis on limited food options and compromised safety), this period may be very difficult. Adversely, for others, the newfound stillness that blankets most metropolitan cities, may be welcomed solace for the soul. Despite these contrasting perspectives, remember to approach your partner with kindness and understanding. Focus on the good things in your significant other and let go of petty contrivances.

During these difficult times, I'm grateful to have my husband, to laugh with and share the latest conspiracy theories.

I hope these tips were helpful!

~Dr. Cisse

Four Tips: How to Combat Anxiety, During Quarantine?

It has been estimated that approximately 40 million Americans struggle with an anxiety disorder of some sort. Some individuals may require medications and therapy to address their symptoms, while others may use a variety of coping mechanisms to control their anxiety. Due to the current quarantine, many people are feeling restless and uneasy as they adjust to their new normal. 

Here are 4 tips to combat anxiety, while confined to one's home:

1) Get fresh air: 

Literally, just sticking your head out of an open window for a few minutes, can be a restorative experience. For those who are fortunate enough to have balconies and terraces, if the weather permits, sit or stand outdoors for 20-30 minutes. 

2) Limit streaming:

It’s the weekend and there’s nowhere to go but the supermarket or CVS. Rather than rewatching Westworld or dwelling on the latest COVID-19 updates, read a book; sketch/color; explore newly released albums; or start a craft project. These activities can be soothing, as well as distracting enough to fill the hours at home. 

3)Limit alcohol intake:

With the bars being closed, 'Happy Hour' can now can begin anytime you want. However, you must be mindful that alcohol is a depressant, which may worsen your mood and intensify the sense of claustrophobia inherent with being quarantined. Furthermore, heavy alcohol intake can be detrimental to your sleep-wake cycle, while adjusting to a new daily routine.

4)Video chats:

The power of video chats in helping to maintain interpersonal ties must not be underestimated.  Schedule a video call with a group of your friends. In between the jokes and reminiscing, it is a great way to provide each other with much needed emotional support and to establish a sense of normalcy, in a time that is anything but.

Last night, I participated in a video chat with four of my high school friends. After the call, my husband immediately remarked on the change in my disposition. I was smiling from ear to ear!

I hope these tips were helpful!

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Three Tips: Working from Home, During Quarantine

Right now, the internet is rife with funny memes about Coronavirus and social distancing. For those who are working from home for the first time, this is a great opportunity to slow down and recharge. However, for many, the loss of daily structure and the isolation from others, can be emotionally taxing. 

As I’ve been working from home for the past 2 years, here are some tips to help you make it through the next few weeks:

1)Maintain your routine:

I would recommend waking up relatively close to your normal time, give or take an hour or so.  If the gyms are closed in your area, try a home workout (there are a wide variety of free tutorials on Youtube). Then, take a hot shower; have a cup of coffee or green tea; eat breakfast and put on comfy work attire. As my patients can see me from the neck up, I've continued to do my hair and makeup, despite working from home. Try to create a designated space in your home to work. Also, you should strive to  maintain your regular eating habits. For example, take a true lunch break around noon, before resuming your afternoon session of work. 

2)Resist temptation:

As I practice psychiatry via video conferencing, I see my patients throughout the day, which creates structure for my work day. Adversely, for those of you with self-paced tasks, it is important to avoid the comforts of home, during working hours.  I’d recommend not working from bed or with Netflix playing in the background. Also, for those of you who are prone to becoming a bit distracted, I'd recommend muting your social media apps for set periods of time each day. 

3)Maintain contact with loved ones:

During off hours, it's good to stay connected to those that you care about to decrease feelings of loneliness and depression. I'm a notorious texter. However, over the past few days, I've been reaching out to friends and family, by actually calling them (shock and horror!).

I hope these tips were helpful!

Dr. Cisse