Monogamy and The Partnership Paradox

The affair.  The possibility of another. The third.

In Western culture, people are socialized to bind themselves to one individual for the rest of their lives. It is the Judeo-Christian thing to do, which means it is also the moral thing to do.  Nonetheless, many television shows, songs, and films have often made the affair, the primary focus or at least as a subplot of the wider narrative.  From Ciara+Future, Beyonce’s seminal album Lemonade, Pleasure P’s hit song ‘Boyfriend #2’, VH1 reality shows, office gossip, “Gone Girl” to the murders committed by the now infamous Chris Watts, “the other” exists.  Globally, it appears that many individuals seem to struggle with staying faithful in a monogamous relationship or find difficulty in upholding their marital vows.  It goes without saying that the emotional trauma and pain that come from infidelity can often be life altering.  Which leads to the question: is being in a monogamous relationship good for people’s mental health?

For most of my adolescence, I spent my summer vacation in Senegal.  During the dreary New York City winters, I would reminisce about my time there. The sunny days at the beach;  eating street fare of BBQ meat and fried fish; and talking to my cousins under the stars, in our village compound.  One memory that remains fresh in my mind is the time I attended my teenage cousin’s wedding.  Like me, she was 16 years old.  I was a junior in high school, destined to attend Spelman College in two years; while her fate was to be our neighbor’s second wife. 

The wedding was held on a beautiful day, with several changes of outfits for the bride, who beamed happily throughout the daylong ceremony.  I laughed and feasted; but through it all, I couldn’t help but contemplate the prospect of being a teenage bride, furthermore sharing a spouse.  Some nights, I would go with my cousins to visit the newlywed, whose new home, like a high rise, housed each co-wife and her children on a different floor.  She settled into her new home without a hiccup, forming a congenial relationship with her co-wife.

Then there is the woman, for whom I am named.  She is financially independent; a fearsome business woman with her own company; and a beautiful home.  Yet, her husband has a second wife.  She doesn't need her husband to support her.  However, in the Wolof culture, to be unmarried is to be an “unwoman”.

Growing up in the West, when I heard anyone judge the tenets of polygamy, I didn’t scoff at this part of my background/cultural heritage.  Instead, I would mull over the inherently patriarchal aspects of polygamy.  Hearing men openly state that they were in the market for a new wife always seemed one sided to me.  I always wondered about the other wives? Didn’t they have a say in who joined their ranks? Were these women really willing to share their husband’s affection, wealth and time with another woman?  Or were the societal pressures so great that they had to conform?

Once, as a cheeky teenager, I jokingly said to my father who has four wives, just as his father before him, “Dad, if you can have four wives; I’ll have three husbands.”  The outrage showed instantly in his eyes, as he hushed me to silence, making sure I did not embarrass him in public.  Imagining the existence of female gender equality in having multiple partners was unthinkable to him.  Whenever I openly questioned the practice of polygamy to my father, his favorite counterpoint would be, “What about all the unmarried Black women in the United States?”  According to statistics from the 2010 U.S. Census: 71% of Black women in America were unmarried. Of that group, 71% of Black women between the ages of 25-29 and 54% between the ages of 30-34, had never been married. In comparison, 43% of non-Hispanic white women between the ages of 25-29 had never married. 

One may wonder, what is the ideal situation for a Black woman who desires to be in a heterosexual partnership?  Is it better to be in a monogamous relationship with the possibility of an unseen interloper, acting as a source of angst?  Or is it better to be married to a man, knowing that the possibility exists for him to take a younger wife as you age?  Is it a more honorable situation for a man to have two wives, rather than a wife and a mistress (or two)?  Is polygamy in the 21st century just another opportunity for men to be in pseudo-open relationships, sanctioned by religious and cultural beliefs? 

Now, as a married woman and a mental health provider, I find both social constructs inherently flawed, since they often seem to leave women at a disadvantage. How can Black women restructure their romantic relationships so that they thrive emotionally , and are not disempowered by overarching cultural beliefs?  Please tell me your thoughts!

Lessons in Self Care: Navigating Toxic Relationships

In mid-January, before the COVID-19 pandemic brought international travel to a screeching halt, I journeyed to Mexico City with one of my best friends, Lamarr.  Between touring the city, overcoming altitude sickness and feasting on the local cuisine, my friend and I engaged in several heart to heart conversations.  

Over mole and margaritas, I asked him about a statement he had made in his man of honor speech, at my recent wedding.  He had spoken of our mutual respect for one another over 20+ years of friendship.  But during his address, he had stated, ‘her kindness should not be mistaken for weakness;” referencing my proclivity for “cutting people off”.   As Lamarr sipped his cocktail in the open air plaza, he said frankly, “I don’t think it’s good that you’re known for cutting people off.”  Initially, I was hurt by his words, but I explained that I didn’t get any enjoyment from distancing myself from others and I would never just arbitrarily discard people! 

Looking back at my first friendship with Dexter, the 2 year old neighborhood boy, to my intimate and personal relationships at 33 years old, I’ve learned a great deal about various types of partnerships, having made several mistakes along the way. 

Here are some tips on how to navigate interpersonal relationships and how to remove oneself from toxic dynamics, in all spheres of life:

1. At work

We’ve all wrangled with an overbearing boss, who may exert his/her power in a variety of ways, fueled by displaced aggression. As an employee, the key point is to differentiate between constructive criticism intended to improve one’s work, versus outright workplace abuse, which may be detrimental to one’s mental health. If the structure of the company allows it, request a one on one meeting with your superior to address the perceived problems. At times, just having the grit to request an open dialogue about less than ideal workplace actions, may be enough to temper the aggressor’s behaviors. 

 2. With family members

From movies to literary works to Instagram posts, we are constantly being reminded of the importance of family.  Familial relationships can be a great source of joy and understanding for some; however, they can cause great pain and anguish for others. Due to the societal expectations of maintaining strong family ties, some individuals find it difficult to distance themselves from toxic parents, siblings or relatives.  It is a challenge to excavate one’s deepest feelings to discover that one’s blood relative isn’t a particularly nice person and doesn’t always have one’s best interest at heart.  For many, it is not an option to completely cut ties with the toxic relative, as that may result in losing contact with other family members, as well.  To this end, it might be wise to seek intensive therapy with the hopes of sorting out those issues and developing strategies for self development and preservation.

 3. In romantic relationships

Eros.  Romantic relationships by definition are mercurial. In most cultures, individuals are not taught how to develop and maintain genuine love relationships. For many young couples, love is a guessing game, colored by discordant images in the media, mixed with the subconscious lessons learned from the unions around them.  In some instances, the displays of romantic love may be dysfunctional, with the normalization of infidelity to the acceptance of physical and emotional abuse. Many of these lessons are internalized, often on an unconscious level, which make them harder to break, and can impact one’s own romantic relationships.

After careful assessment and weighing the risks versus benefits, it may be better to separate (or end the relationship) than to stay in a union that doesn’t honor your  personhood. If a relationship does not empower you and make you a better version of yourself,  or at the bare minimum, bring you great physical pleasure, then what is its purpose?  

 4. In friendships 

bell hooks’ quote, “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds,” attests to the value that must be placed on all relationships. For many women, their attention and care is primarily directed towards their beloved, leaving friendships and other relationships by the wayside. 

The platonic friendship between two women can bring great joy and emotional fulfillment. Conversely, relationships between women can quickly devolve into a miasma of mind games, competitiveness, and mean spirited remarks; with one of the friends projecting her personal problems onto the other friend. In other cases, one friend may no longer enjoy the other’s company, but is uncertain of how to process that realization.  In toxic friendships, there may be harsh words, rude tones, ‘gaslighting’, or other methods of ‘friendship terrorism’.  Unfortunately, many women avoid confrontation, which may result in months or even years of jeers, sneers and whispers behind each other’s back.  However, if the relationship is worth preserving, having a straightforward conversation that addresses the perceived problems, may be the solution. Only through honest discourse can healing occur. If not, maybe one should consider parting ways.

5. Within yourself

You can lie to others. But please don’t lie to yourself. 

The most important relationship is the one that we have with ourselves.  As stated previously on this blog, life is a winding path. Some are able to stay on course, while others are barely hanging on. Wherever we are on our life’s path, it’s important to frequently scrutinize our feelings, and our subsequent actions:

“Who am I and what do I really want to accomplish in life?

“Does this man/woman respect me as a person?”

“Is this workplace environment conducive to my creativity and humanity? 

“Do I feel better now that I’ve parted ways with that group of friends? 

By engaging in internal excavation, we open up ourselves to more honest and healthy relationships with others. This also allows us to realize when it’s time to walk away from toxic and seemingly unhealthy partnerships. 

The Case for Mental Health Treatment for Professional Black Women

Each morning, the black millennial woman awakens and begins to plan the day ahead.  She may decide to log miles on the Peloton or head for her first cup of coffee. She may flip through apps on her smartphone or utter a prayer of gratitude, yet in the back of her mind, the ubiquitous thoughts  that drive her will soon appear, just like the sun signaling the start of a new day. 

She walks to the living room and turns on the TV for the weather forecast. Without warning, “Black women are dying from childbirth!”, flashes across the screen. After her shower, as she adjusts the belt of her bathrobe, she opens Google maps  to figure out the best route for her daily commute. Moments later, she lets her finger slide to the Facebook app and scrolls down the timeline. A post that’s been shared 100 times; with 10K likes states: “Black and single: is marriage only for white people?” Thirty minutes later, as she’s applying lipstick in the foyer mirror, she hears the ping of a notification proclaiming that “Trump ally held event handing out cash in a black community.”  By the time the black female millennial is strapped into the driver’s seat of her car, the headlines have caused her mind to reverberate from the toxic onslaught.

She hasn’t even left the sanctuary of her home, yet the black professional woman has been mentally assaulted by images and articles whose focus seems intent on negating her very being. From social media platforms to reputable news outlets to internet trolls, her beauty, her body, her hair and her self-worth are constantly under scrutiny.  

Despite voluminous research that documents the black female millennials’ academic and entrepreneurial prowess, the stereotypical narrative seems to be that Trump’s looming cuts in welfare benefits and other social services will further disenfranchise the black woman and her horde of illegitimate children. This penchant for negatively portraying black women as a drain on society, couldn’t be further from the truth, when stats show that black women outperform all other demographics in acquiring higher education and establishing small businesses.   Despite confronting racism and sexism, black women have broken gender barriers, while advocating for progressive reforms that range from voting rights to the founding of the MeToo movement.    

Unfortunately,  in a society that sees  “winning”, at all cost, as one of the tenets for success, how can the black professional female ascribe to the same metric, in an environment that is openly hostile to her?   How does she continue to strive for personal and professional excellence, within a societal hierarchy that will always place her last? So in her quiet time, when she isn’t running a board meeting or checking travel destinations off of her bucket list, how does the professional black female really feel? What are the latent psychological effects of the misinformation peddled by biased reporters, that frame black women as problematic and congenitally disadvantaged? 

I remember during my residency training, on one occasion I sought constructive feedback from the white female attending, who was my immediate supervisor.  

After the veiled niceties, she asked, “Do you have a favorite group of patients?” 

I said no.  

She met my gaze and smiled widely, “Hmmm, actually I think you do, and I’m going to guess, it’s women...and more specifically: it’s black women?” 

My heart began to beat rapidly.  I wondered if she was implying that I was exhibiting bias.  In a strained voice, I asked if there had been any complaints made against me for mistreating non-black or non-female patients? 

“No not at all,” she chuckled. “You provide really good care to all your patients. But maybe you can give everyone that little bit of extra that you give to black women.”

According to recent statistics, in the United States, three percent of all psychiatrists are black. When a black woman, regardless of socioeconomic status, seeks mental health care, the person sitting across from her will most likely be a white male.  Despite improvements in medical training, and the awareness of implicit and explicit bias, doctors will still have implicit biases towards their patients, which will eventually manifest in disparities in the diagnosis and treatment of various illnesses. In retrospect, when I was unwittingly giving that “bit of extra” to my black female patients, I was providing them with parity in treatment, a rarity that few will ever experience again.

In the face of the negative chatter and  blatant inequities exhibited in many areas of American society, it’s important to note that the black professional woman isn’t free falling into an abyss of sorrow.  On the contrary, she is eagerly scaling the seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and continuously forging a new path, which is uniquely her own. There is no doubt that she is resilient, creative and ambitious. Nonetheless, ample attention needs to be paid to combating the forces that contribute to the corrosion of her psyche within the paradigm that is  Western culture. On her trek to having a fully rewarding life, both in her career and in her personal life, the black professional woman is deserving of mental health care that is tailored especially for her. Who better than a black female health professional to know what it is to walk in the shoes of the black millennial woman?

Four Tips: How to Combat Anxiety, During Quarantine?

It has been estimated that approximately 40 million Americans struggle with an anxiety disorder of some sort. Some individuals may require medications and therapy to address their symptoms, while others may use a variety of coping mechanisms to control their anxiety. Due to the current quarantine, many people are feeling restless and uneasy as they adjust to their new normal. 

Here are 4 tips to combat anxiety, while confined to one's home:

1) Get fresh air: 

Literally, just sticking your head out of an open window for a few minutes, can be a restorative experience. For those who are fortunate enough to have balconies and terraces, if the weather permits, sit or stand outdoors for 20-30 minutes. 

2) Limit streaming:

It’s the weekend and there’s nowhere to go but the supermarket or CVS. Rather than rewatching Westworld or dwelling on the latest COVID-19 updates, read a book; sketch/color; explore newly released albums; or start a craft project. These activities can be soothing, as well as distracting enough to fill the hours at home. 

3)Limit alcohol intake:

With the bars being closed, 'Happy Hour' can now can begin anytime you want. However, you must be mindful that alcohol is a depressant, which may worsen your mood and intensify the sense of claustrophobia inherent with being quarantined. Furthermore, heavy alcohol intake can be detrimental to your sleep-wake cycle, while adjusting to a new daily routine.

4)Video chats:

The power of video chats in helping to maintain interpersonal ties must not be underestimated.  Schedule a video call with a group of your friends. In between the jokes and reminiscing, it is a great way to provide each other with much needed emotional support and to establish a sense of normalcy, in a time that is anything but.

Last night, I participated in a video chat with four of my high school friends. After the call, my husband immediately remarked on the change in my disposition. I was smiling from ear to ear!

I hope these tips were helpful!

And to learn more about our upcoming events for professional black women, click here.