What’s Your Type: Preferences or Prejudices?

So, what’s your type?

Everyone has a type or a preference in a mate. Some like tall and athletic, others prefer teddy bears. Some like very pale skin, whereas others are attracted to highly melanated skin. However, one must be mindful that these preferences don’t exist in a vacuum. The influence of parents, the community, as well as the media all contribute to what people perceive as ideal.  What is often defined as physically attractive is very subjective, and a culmination of beliefs and external influences. 

In light of the newest iteration of the Black Power movement, many facets of Black excellence and beauty are being highlighted.  As we explore our identity, this leaves one to query ‘is black beautiful?’ or rather “which black is beautiful?”

1) Being dark skin and being beautiful are not mutually exclusive concepts

Many individuals, men and women alike, grapple with the notion of an individual, being an attractive woman and having dark skin.  To others, it is a rarity to see a beautiful dark skinned woman.  Kanye West rapped about this phenomenon in 2010: “...with some light skinned girls and some Kelly Rowlands...”; which is in essence, the updated reason of, ‘you’re cute for a dark skinned girl.’

Colorism is centered in gender bias, and has a harsher impact on women of color.  The same way structures exist to uphold racism by depicting black people as inferior;  there are colorist structures that consistently depict dark skinned women as unattractive or intrinsically flawed.  Vogue magazine’s recent cover feature of Simone Biles came under scrutiny by critics for its poor lighting and subpar editing.   These blatant practices propagate racist and colorist ideas about Black beauty and Black womanhood.

The supermodels Ducky Thot and Anok Yai are gorgeous women, who are subjectively deemed more beautiful than the average woman. Yet, despite the international acclaim, they have both spoken out about their experiences with skin color discrimination and its lasting effects on their psyche.  In addressing white privilege in all of its facets, one must be just as dogged in addressing light skin privilege.  Just as speaking out against racism does not cause racism, it is also important to remember that speaking out against colorism does not cause colorism.  

2) Colorism: a global epidemic 

Around the world, dark skinned women, regardless of race or ethnic group, are invisible.  From the dark skinned South East Asians to the Afro-Latinas of South America, women of darker hues are subjected to overt and subtle discrimination in these societies.  In the seminal article, The Blacker the Berry: Gender, Skin Tone, Self-Esteem, and Self-Efficacy,  the authors address the psychological damage of skin tone discrimination on young American women.

There are numerous recorded testimonies from women around the world who have attempted to assert their value and find self-confidence in colorist societies.  However, the time for storytelling is past, and now is the time to restructure people’s minds.  It is imperative that people understand that skin color discrimination, is the new age racism. As European populations and political hegemony come under threat, people with lighter skin tones will act as proxies for white supremacy around the world.

3) Scholarly research and candid discourse are the paths to healing

A) External work

Individuals of all races, genders, and ethnic groups need to reflect on beliefs that they hold about female standards of beauty.  In group settings, whenever there is a need to debate who are the most beautiful women (which is a problematic activity to begin with), ask: 

-are they all the same skin color?

-is there variation in the type of women being discussed?

-do they possess the same facial features and hair?

-is the beauty ideal reflective of European standards?

By exposing individual biases, people can start to change their perspective.  People must be allowed to view their beauty preferences as mutable and flexible.  In exposing oneself to different ways of perceiving beauty, people can come to accept that there are different forms of beauty, regardless of skin color. 

B) Internal work

Dark skinned women in the Western world know where they stand in the beauty hierarchy, regardless of the curl of their hair, the fullness of their lips or the softness of their skin.  In the comfort of their own home, they can bask in the dynamism of black beauty and tailor their IG feed, to see only beautiful black women.  They can say, “My black is beautiful!”  However, at least once a month without failure, a celebrity will say something disparaging about dark skinned Black women, sparking the same hackneyed conversation.  So, as a dark skinned woman, how is it possible to maintain a healthy self esteem and a sane mind in a culture that is unequivocally biased? 

• Participate in the conversation: 

In the context of the recent #BLM movement, several conversations about colorism are springing up on social media (see @darkest.hue).  Support these platforms, read the stories of others, and provide support when and where possible.

• Face the societal bias:

Many dark skinned women are uncomfortable speaking about colorism, often holding it as a secret shame. But by affirming one’s existence in a society that is hell bent on invalidating Black women, and to a greater extent, dark skinned Black women, it is possible to find solace in owning and harnessing one’s formidable power.

• Changing the narrative through research:

There’s a need for scholarly research on skin color discrimination focusing on the damage caused by biased perceptions of female beauty. There must also be exploration into the psychiatric and psychological effects of colorism, on post college age dark skinned women.  Frameworks must be developed to dismantle colorist policies throughout societies around the world. 

If I counted the number of times I was called “Midnight Black” in a pejorative manner, throughout my life; or think about the times in India, when I was chased by shop owners because they mistook me for a Dalit (an Untouchable), I would run out of air.   We can all continue to trade stories and worst case experiences, but now is the time to dismantle the structures that oppress many women around the world.  

Long Distance Love in the Time of Coronavirus

About five years ago, a friend texted me out of the blue, instructing me to , “Text this guy!” Always a skeptic I responded, “Just like that?” 

She didn’t give any more information, except for attaching a strange selfie of the man in question.

Slightly confused but intrigued, I opened WhatsApp and wrote: “Hi I’m Ami”, to which he promptly replied, “Hi I’m Tino!”  

And just like that I ‘met’ the man who would be my future husband.

Sounds simple, but it wasn’t.

I was finishing up my residency training in Miami, Florida and he was in Hamburg, Germany.  Nevertheless, we began our long distance courtship. For several months, we communicated via WhatsApp. We messaged each other and Skyped;  counting down the days until our first in person meeting. Despite months filled with the angst of the unknown, looking back, I’m grateful for our initial geographic separation, as it helped to cement the structure of our relationship. 

So for all of the newly dating couples who are quarantining separately, here are some of the upsides to being separated from your partner:

1.Develop strong communication skills

Intense conversations are the mainstay of long distance relationships. Through lengthy chats, individuals get to compare/contrast their value systems.  This allows them to learn what each person holds dear. Since honest communication is the foundation of a functioning relationship, it's key to learn each other’s manner of conveying thoughts and feelings. 

2.Increases patience

When one is long distance, certain relationship milestones like saying ‘I love you’ and meeting parents, may take a bit longer to reach.  Having to take things a bit slower, allows one the time and space to ask, “Is this what I really want?” Also, with less pressure to share physical intimacy, each individual is more likely to reveal their true self.

3.Distance can be an incubator for growth

Without the influence of friends’ opinions, parental judgment, and everything that comes with living in our modern world, a new couple who are separated by distance, can create their own microcosm. To me, an ideal relationship embodies two separate and unique spirits, making the choice to walk the same path in life, while maintaining their individuality. During separation, the primary elements of who they are, regardless of different backgrounds, family structures or socioeconomic groups, can grow uninhibited. Due to geographic distance, there’s a decrease in some of the external pressures, that can normally complicate a fledgling relationship.

So for all the lovers who are separated due to quarantine, use this time to explore the other’s core values, their world view and future goals. And when you’re finally reunited (who knows when) the time together will be so much sweeter. 

Five Tips: How to Maintain Your Relationship, During Quarantine

As all external distractions have come to a screeching halt, the next few weeks will be a trying time for many couples. It’s Day 14 and the stark contrast between my husband’s energetic character to my more staid disposition, is rearing its head. I love social gatherings but I also gain a great deal of energy from being alone. Adversely, he thrives on human interaction, and his ideal schedule is a calendar filled with back to back appointments.

As we both work remotely, at baseline, my husband and I spend a great deal of time together.  But now, due to the state mandated quarantine, the Business Center in our high-rise, where he usually works, is closed. Even worse, he can no longer pop over to his favorite cafe and meet up with other German ex-pats. In turn, my partner who hates being confined, is bouncing off the walls; whereas I’m doing just fine. 

Whether you’re like me or like my mate, here are some tips to maintain your sanity, and more importantly your relationship, while you're quarantined:

1)Schedule time apart:

It’s important to take time for yourself, even in the same house. We have a home office; so I’ve been spending more time reading and writing, as he explores his various interests at the dining room table. After about 2 hours apart, we each have a better outlook on our situation and hunker down on the couch to stream our favorite shows.

2)Prepare meals together:

The prep and completion of the most simple dish, can create an opportunity to bond and to experience shared intimacy.

3)Use the time to genuinely catch up:

For the newly dating couple, use this time to get truly comfortable with each other. Maybe let your partner see you without extensions/faux eyelashes or let him/her know how much you really like video games. And for those in long haul unions, why not order some poster board from Amazon and sketch out that 5 year plan you’ve put off completing?

4)Have a date night:

Take a hot shower; shave; put on some lipstick and slip into your favorite outfit; then meet in the kitchen for light bites and adult beverages. After a week of sweat pants and bathrobes, it’s good to break up the monotony and stimulate the sensual. 

5) Have empathy:

Based on varying life experiences, everyone will respond very differently during this time. For those who have never experienced living with the bare essentials (emphasis on limited food options and compromised safety), this period may be very difficult. Adversely, for others, the newfound stillness that blankets most metropolitan cities, may be welcomed solace for the soul. Despite these contrasting perspectives, remember to approach your partner with kindness and understanding. Focus on the good things in your significant other and let go of petty contrivances.

During these difficult times, I'm grateful to have my husband, to laugh with and share the latest conspiracy theories.

I hope these tips were helpful!

~Dr. Cisse